I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
