god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
