Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
