I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
