I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Randomize
