So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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