just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
