I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
