Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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