I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
