two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
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