omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
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