it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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