literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
