Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
