My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
