Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
