I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize
