I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
