I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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