I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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