end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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