Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Randomize
