I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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