Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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