now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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