Michael Bay diarrhea
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
