I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
