My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
