mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
