i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
