I murdered the dance floor call the cops
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize