my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
