The best revenge is premature balding
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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