this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
