at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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