She went from zero to smokin in five shots
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
