u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
