no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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