Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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