I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
