I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
