Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
