I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
