so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
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