How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
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I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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