He kissed a someone with a penis
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
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