Taylor Swift is so right about you.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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