Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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