There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
