i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
