she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
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