my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
