i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
it glows. i had to have it.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Randomize
