i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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