he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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