Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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