this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
