I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
