I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
