Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
