Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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