i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
