i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
